Tag: David LaFreniere

So I realized that I didn’t have a PDF of The Final Girl which I will be running over hangouts.  I decided to track a copy down, ultimately finding that they still sell the game in Italy (but not in the US).  I crossed my fingers and hoped that the PDF would be in English.  Of course, this was a foolish hope.  Thanks to SCIENCE, I got the pdf translated.  It. Is. Awesome.  periodically throughout the text, there a small asides to explain to Italians what the text means when it refers to someone as a “jock” or “nerd” as these are not necessarily easily translated words.  We also needed a nice way to describe what “Screwing” was.  In an amazingly explicit explanation of what “screwing” is, I got to learn the Italian equivalent slang.  Thank you SCIENCE and Italian PDF The Final Girl!

WITNESS ME!!

I spray chrome spray paint and a little bit (all of it) gets in my mouth. It tastes like hope and possibilities. I take a mighty leap off my hot dog cart, both hands clutching a fistful of sea monkeys. Before striking down the massive pigeon beneath me, a terrible wind surges forth and I look up, too late, and am swept away toward Dallas. Only a slippery residue and the faint smell of coconut remains. The vile, obscene pigeon gives mighty wheeze of indifference before it starts to lick up the zero-friction residue…

Having travelled many on many flights, I get pretty tired of the preflight safety brief. If I was ever approached and asked to give the speech, here is how my version would go:

Attention passengers, please set your tray tables in the locked position and your seats upright during take off and landing. Everyone who does not know how to use a set belt, stand up. Everyone remaining in your seats, demonstrate to those less fortunate how those belts are keeping you down. In the event that our landlocked flight manages to land in a large body of water and you are not dead, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device. Should you be so fortunate, a life vest will be located under your seat. Put it on around your neck and inflate. If it doesn’t inflate, it may be punctured or need foreplay to achieve inflated status. To resolve these issues, completely submerge yourself in the water that is filling the cabin, locate the suggestively shaped tube conveniently located near your face and blow. If you see bubbles, you may want to abandon that life vest. Back to a better scenario when we are still in the air: should the cabin lose pressure, a face sucker from the move Alien will drop from the ceiling. Place the face sucker firmly on your mouth, tighten the straps and open wide. Pull the tube straight to encourage the flow of eggs, I mean oxygen. Lastly, if this list of hypothetical tragedies has not freaked you out enough, you can always read more from the pamphlet on the seatback in front of you, or image living out Snakes on a Plane. Thank you.

I’d love to read your thoughts on this as it will expedite my lay over.