These Games I Love (Part One)

These Games I Love (Part One)

These Games I Love (Part One)

Starting in the fourth grade, I was very badly bullied in school. It began with this older kid who followed me home every single day, walking less than ten feet behind me, reminding me what a fucking faggot I was. She followed me for the whole half-mile walk from school to home, right up until I got to the building we lived in, taunting me the entire way. Every day.

Eventually, the kids in my class picked up the refrain, and recess and lunch became a contest to see who could call me the most horrible name, or who could make me cry. Even our sadistic asshole teacher got involved. He would affect a feminine voice and call me ‘Cordelia’ (a play on my last name, I guess), and do the ‘limp wrist’ gesture in front of the whole class, which always got a huge laugh. Probably the lowest, most horrible moment of my childhood was one day during PE, when I asked to be excused from playing dodgeball, and instead of granting my request, the same sadistic teacher made me play on a side by myself against the rest of the class and wouldn’t let me sit out after I got hit. I tried my best to play, struggling to defend myself, while the other kids just laughed and took turns pelting me with balls.

Fifth grade was a little better, but only because I managed to become somewhat invisible. I started getting rides home from school. My teacher was nicer, and I would occasionally escape recess by finding excuses to talk to her during that time. And fifth graders were allowed to roam a bit more, which meant I could walk to the far side of the activities field and just be by myself. There were still plenty of times I couldn’t escape, such as standing in line for lunch or whatever, but I learned to hollow myself out, so the taunts didn’t have as much impact.

I was a lonely, isolated kid. And I was miserable. SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) was in the news around that time, and I remember thinking I wished there was something like that for older kids. The idea of just randomly dying in the middle of the night had a lot of appeal.

But then the Marvel Super Heroes role playing game happened. I was in a comic book shop and convinced my Dad to buy it for me. I didn’t really know what it was, only that it was a game about comic book characters and you got to be them somehow. In fact, I spent weeks poring over it, but I could never figure out, precisely, what I was supposed to be doing. I was still in the fifth grade, and I had never even heard of Dungeons & Dragons, or any game like it.

But then this older kid came over one day and ran it for me. I played a villain (I’m pretty sure my powers had something to do with electricity, because the ability to shoot electricity from my hands was probably the most amazing thing I could imagine at the time). He seemed very knowledgeable about it all, and gave me a simple starting scenario (robbing a jewelry store), and very gently walked me through how to make things happen in the game. He described things happening. He asked “What do you do?” a lot. He was very patient as he pointed out the things I needed to know about FASERIP. I was enchanted. Maybe it’s because he was being nice to me, but playing this game felt like the best thing I had ever experienced to that point.

I started bringing the game to school. A couple of other social outcasts in my class (Rory and Eric) noticed me reading the books at recess and started asking about it. Eventually, they made characters and we started playing at recess. Our recess sessions turned into an after school thing, and we started having sleepovers at each other’s houses. We even dived into nascent game hacking, with Rory having an idea to make a Marvel Super Heroes scenario with video game characters, and we spent a fair amount of time giving FASERIP stats to each of the Mega Man bosses, as I recall.

The kids at school didn’t get any nicer, but at least I had a couple of friends. And, more importantly, I had something in my life that excited me; something I looked forward to every day.

I don’t remember the name of that older kid who taught me Marvel Super Heroes, or even why he was at our apartment in the first place. In fact, I never saw him again. But I wish I could tell him how important that afternoon was for me. He didn’t just kickoff my lifelong passion for tabletop games. He probably saved my life.

50 thoughts on “These Games I Love (Part One)”

  3. That is a great story of how RPGs create friendships. I am sorry about you being bullied. I had a very similar experience of being an outcast in middle school and having my Mother’s friend’s son teach me D&D. From there all my lasting friendships have been through the hobby.

  4. That is a great story of how RPGs create friendships. I am sorry about you being bullied. I had a very similar experience of being an outcast in middle school and having my Mother’s friend’s son teach me D&D. From there all my lasting friendships have been through the hobby.

  5. One of my middle favs too. There’s some shame wrapped up in it for me though. I left the Ultimate Powers book at a friend’s house then they went out of town. Wanted it back so bad I broke into their house (I knew which window they left unlocked) for it. Later I had to explain to them how I got it back.

  6. One of my middle favs too. There’s some shame wrapped up in it for me though. I left the Ultimate Powers book at a friend’s house then they went out of town. Wanted it back so bad I broke into their house (I knew which window they left unlocked) for it. Later I had to explain to them how I got it back.

  7. I am sadhappy for you. I wish you hadn’t had those awful experiences and I feel ashamed of who “we” are, collectively as a culture that this stuff happened/happens. On the other hand you reminded me of the magic of my own early gaming experiences. I was a fairly mainstream/popular kid, but I was artistic and an avid reader of fantasy/sf. I gamed with a bunch of marginalized kids because it was nice to have friends who were grateful for friendship (instead of jockeying for status) and because it was a place we all felt safe to be our true selves. I played Melee/Wizard (later The Fantasy Trip), D&D, Marvel, and Gamma World. But mostly basic/expert and then 1st ed D&D.

  8. I am sadhappy for you. I wish you hadn’t had those awful experiences and I feel ashamed of who “we” are, collectively as a culture that this stuff happened/happens. On the other hand you reminded me of the magic of my own early gaming experiences. I was a fairly mainstream/popular kid, but I was artistic and an avid reader of fantasy/sf. I gamed with a bunch of marginalized kids because it was nice to have friends who were grateful for friendship (instead of jockeying for status) and because it was a place we all felt safe to be our true selves. I played Melee/Wizard (later The Fantasy Trip), D&D, Marvel, and Gamma World. But mostly basic/expert and then 1st ed D&D.

  11. Ouch. That was indeed an awful experience, although I’m quite selfishly glad that roleplaying helped to keep you with us!

    Idle curiousity, and feel free to ignore, but did something in particular trigger this post now?

  12. Ouch. That was indeed an awful experience, although I’m quite selfishly glad that roleplaying helped to keep you with us!

    Idle curiousity, and feel free to ignore, but did something in particular trigger this post now?

  19. Somewhere in the far future, a young guy is standing in front of his superior officers. “Agent 78,” they say, “you must go back in time to make sure that a boy named Jason Cordova grows up to form the Gauntlet. Our timeline depends on it.”

  20. Somewhere in the far future, a young guy is standing in front of his superior officers. “Agent 78,” they say, “you must go back in time to make sure that a boy named Jason Cordova grows up to form the Gauntlet. Our timeline depends on it.”

  21. I’m not sure I’d have made it through the torment you faced. Nobody should have to endure this. I’m glad you made it and found something that gives you a creative outlet surrounded by friends.

  22. I’m not sure I’d have made it through the torment you faced. Nobody should have to endure this. I’m glad you made it and found something that gives you a creative outlet surrounded by friends.

  25. This post is more impactful than the death of Prince to my life. I can’t express how big a part of my life Jason-lead Gauntlet is. It was almost the only good thing that I experienced while living in Houston, and I’ve gotten to share it with so many awesome people. I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t put this together. I likely never would have been a part of all this without Jason.

  26. This post is more impactful than the death of Prince to my life. I can’t express how big a part of my life Jason-lead Gauntlet is. It was almost the only good thing that I experienced while living in Houston, and I’ve gotten to share it with so many awesome people. I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t put this together. I likely never would have been a part of all this without Jason.

  27. I’m sorry that you went through that painful time, and your description is familiar to me.  I rarely talk about the level of bullying I experienced when I was younger, and I feel a sense of comradery from your description–shared horrible experiences and all that.  

    Many of us have developed our own coping mechanisms.

    While bullying has changed since that time, it is still something that we should remain vigilant for.  It is not something that has gone away (cyber-bullying is presently a thing), yet I hope our society is better at recognizing these actions.  Yet, I still even see adults who bully other adults–who should know better, let alone younger people who may not understand.

    Bullying is something that we can all help address by being considerate, patient–and following Wheaton’s Law.  (http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/wheatons-law)

  28. I’m sorry that you went through that painful time, and your description is familiar to me.  I rarely talk about the level of bullying I experienced when I was younger, and I feel a sense of comradery from your description–shared horrible experiences and all that.  

    Many of us have developed our own coping mechanisms.

    While bullying has changed since that time, it is still something that we should remain vigilant for.  It is not something that has gone away (cyber-bullying is presently a thing), yet I hope our society is better at recognizing these actions.  Yet, I still even see adults who bully other adults–who should know better, let alone younger people who may not understand.

    Bullying is something that we can all help address by being considerate, patient–and following Wheaton’s Law.  (http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/wheatons-law)

  29. Another interesting point is that I can somewhat date these events by the RPG mentioned.  🙂  

    I’m really glad that you were able to find this interest that helped you survive and find a safe place.

    When I was in 7th grade, I had three friends with whom I played basic D&D.  We had permission to use a study hall room during lunch, and it was a respite for me from the cruel kids.

    During that time, we experimented with other games (Gamma World, Top Secret) and some homebrews.  One of these homebrew games was a superhero game based off of Basic D&D–because Marvel Superheroes hadn’t come out yet!  

  30. Another interesting point is that I can somewhat date these events by the RPG mentioned.  🙂  

    I’m really glad that you were able to find this interest that helped you survive and find a safe place.

    When I was in 7th grade, I had three friends with whom I played basic D&D.  We had permission to use a study hall room during lunch, and it was a respite for me from the cruel kids.

    During that time, we experimented with other games (Gamma World, Top Secret) and some homebrews.  One of these homebrew games was a superhero game based off of Basic D&D–because Marvel Superheroes hadn’t come out yet!  

  31. steven watkins Perhaps you can relate, but I find the damage from the bullying is pretty long-lasting. It was a long time ago for me, but I still find it difficult to be in large gatherings that weren’t organized by me. When I went to Dreamation a few months ago, I had this gnawing feeling the whole time that, at any moment, I would do something that would cause people to turn on me. My rational brain knew there was no chance of that happening, but the thought of doing something or saying something that would cause a group of people to turn their heads and laugh at me was just . . . there.

  32. steven watkins Perhaps you can relate, but I find the damage from the bullying is pretty long-lasting. It was a long time ago for me, but I still find it difficult to be in large gatherings that weren’t organized by me. When I went to Dreamation a few months ago, I had this gnawing feeling the whole time that, at any moment, I would do something that would cause people to turn on me. My rational brain knew there was no chance of that happening, but the thought of doing something or saying something that would cause a group of people to turn their heads and laugh at me was just . . . there.

  33. Jason Cordova, Sure.  For me, a lot of that comes up when I am in an unfamiliar social situation (at a party where I don’t know anyone) or at events tied to the bullying (sports).

    To be honest, I was impressed with your bravery about speaking about it on the internet (a place not known for tolerance).

    However, I don’t feel the same fear at geek gatherings (comic, gaming, and other cons).  Maybe I live in denial, but I feel among an adopted family there.  

    I know that there is still some level of shaming that goes on among us geeks (D&D vs. Vampire; Trad vs. Story games; Marvel vs. DC; …), but that seems like more of a debate (like the Mets vs. the Yankees) to me.

    When the discussion delves into a shaming pattern (“you are stupid for playing Vampire because D&D is the best”), I find that I become very defensive and protective of my geek family, and confront the perpetrators

    .

  34. Jason Cordova, Sure.  For me, a lot of that comes up when I am in an unfamiliar social situation (at a party where I don’t know anyone) or at events tied to the bullying (sports).

    To be honest, I was impressed with your bravery about speaking about it on the internet (a place not known for tolerance).

    However, I don’t feel the same fear at geek gatherings (comic, gaming, and other cons).  Maybe I live in denial, but I feel among an adopted family there.  

    I know that there is still some level of shaming that goes on among us geeks (D&D vs. Vampire; Trad vs. Story games; Marvel vs. DC; …), but that seems like more of a debate (like the Mets vs. the Yankees) to me.

    When the discussion delves into a shaming pattern (“you are stupid for playing Vampire because D&D is the best”), I find that I become very defensive and protective of my geek family, and confront the perpetrators

    .

  35. Jason Cordova, I’m so sorry all of that happened to you.  I quickly squeezed myself into the “ignored” category, so I haven’t had to go through a fraction of what you have.  How is it that bullies can so often intuit what it is about somebody that they need to repeatedly poke at in order to cause the most psychic misery?

    I’m glad, though, that it was roleplaying games that help you through it, because otherwise I would never have met you, and you’re pretty great.  Appreciate your sharing.  Know you’re loved.

  36. Jason Cordova, I’m so sorry all of that happened to you.  I quickly squeezed myself into the “ignored” category, so I haven’t had to go through a fraction of what you have.  How is it that bullies can so often intuit what it is about somebody that they need to repeatedly poke at in order to cause the most psychic misery?

    I’m glad, though, that it was roleplaying games that help you through it, because otherwise I would never have met you, and you’re pretty great.  Appreciate your sharing.  Know you’re loved.

  37. Jason Cordova​ I am in the same boat regarding bullying. Elementary school and most of middle school was very rough for me and games (including this one) were one of the few ways I could escape that for a brief time, even if it was mostly just “lonely fun.”

    Related: I have been thinking a lot recently about doing an interview-driven podcast focusing on people’s gaming roots. I am absolutely fascinated with people’s stories of how they got into the hobby and how their gaming has evolved through their time in the hobby. Is that something other people would be interested in listening to (and being interviewed for)?

  38. Jason Cordova​ I am in the same boat regarding bullying. Elementary school and most of middle school was very rough for me and games (including this one) were one of the few ways I could escape that for a brief time, even if it was mostly just “lonely fun.”

    Related: I have been thinking a lot recently about doing an interview-driven podcast focusing on people’s gaming roots. I am absolutely fascinated with people’s stories of how they got into the hobby and how their gaming has evolved through their time in the hobby. Is that something other people would be interested in listening to (and being interviewed for)?

  41. FaseRip marvel was my first RPG too. In the 5th grade my dad passed away and we moved.

    No friends walking around my new neighborhood randomly found the box set sitting on the ground.

    When some older kids saw me reading they invited me to come play it. They also introduced me to D6 Star Wars and 2nd Ed. AD&D.

  42. FaseRip marvel was my first RPG too. In the 5th grade my dad passed away and we moved.

    No friends walking around my new neighborhood randomly found the box set sitting on the ground.

    When some older kids saw me reading they invited me to come play it. They also introduced me to D6 Star Wars and 2nd Ed. AD&D.

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