Category: The Gauntlet: Hail Satan

Daniel Lewis I am only interested in playing Remember Tomorrow if it is exactly like this. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GPGQoR6f6w&feature=kp

I’m going to start pinning some older posts to the top of the page, because I think there is a lot of really good content here folks should be aware of. My old Cobra Commander mediakin thing is pretty good (if I do say so myself). 

I feel like I haven’t been honest with all of you. It’s time I stop living a lie, and just ‘come out of the closet,’ as they say. 

I am a mediakin. Specifically, I am the fictional character Cobra Commander. I have always been Cobra Commander, and I will always be Cobra Commander. 

Being Cobra Commander has never been easy. The lie that is my human body grew-up in the 80’s, and GI Joe was very popular among my youthful peers. Everyday I had to watch as they pretended to be Real American Heroes, storming my fortresses and destroying everything I had worked so hard to build. Sometimes, during their play, they would mimic my signature raspy voice, causing me to scream to myself, “Stop appropriating me!” 

Halloween was a particularly torturous time. On the one hand, it was infuriating when someone would wear a costume of me (let’s just say I know how black people must feel when Al Jolson is on TCM). But on the other hand, it always hurt when one of them decided to be Storm Shadow instead because he’s “really rad.” That stuff is painful, you know? It’s like, “Am I not rad enough for you? Is there something wrong with me?”

But those are the big, obvious things. The part that really sucks about being Cobra Commander are the daily micro-aggressions I have to deal with. For one thing, almost no one considers me the true leader of Cobra, even though I AM DEFINITELY THE TRUE LEADER OF COBRA!!!! It’s not Serpentor, it’s not Destro and the Baroness, and it’s certainly not those weirdos in Cobra-La (apologies to any Cobra-La-kin who may be offended). Here’s another: there is no continuity in my background between the various animated series and the comic books published by Marvel. I’m not sure why I’m so surprised – the powers that be in this country have been erasing the history of marginalized groups since the very beginning. Just ask the Native Americans. Or the werewolf-kin. 

Still, I hold out hope things will get better for me. There are some positive signs out there. Joseph Gordon-Levitt being tapped to play me in the first live-action GI Joe movie was pretty cool, especially since he’s totes hot. I’m also finding lots of support on tumblr, where there is a very active and supportive mediakin community (big shout-out to my girl, RRainbow321 – who is actually Levar Burton – and her recent Kickstarter triumph. Butterfly in the sky, girl – fly high). 

So, there you have it. I am Cobra Commander. I am not ashamed. I am ready to live my life without fear. 

It would be awesome if you could refer to me by my preferred pronouns from now on:

cobr/cobrim/cobrimself

Finally, if you’re struggling with being otherkin, let me give you some advice: Before people can really know who you are, you have to know yourself. Knowing yourself is half the battle. 

Love and Peace. 

I want to do an otherkin hack of Monsterhearts: none of the characters have supernatural powers, and the only move in the game is called “Help! I’m being oppressed!”

Using the power of SCIENCE! and various statistical probability models, I have developed a grand thesis involving the Dungeons & Dragons player ‘diaspora.’ The first part goes like this: if you principally played a certain edition of D&D, but no longer play D&D at all, you are today playing the following (divided by edition):

4th Edition ▷ 13th Age

3.5 Edition ▷ Pathfinder

2nd Edition ▷ Dungeon World

1st Edition ▷ Any one of dozens of OSR/retroclone games

The rest of the thesis deals with other groups:

If you played 3.0, you are either still playing 3.0 or you are no longer playing roleplaying games. 

If you are a hipster who never previously played D&D, you likely spent ten minutes playing either 4th edition or Pathfinder, and then moved on to OSR/retroclone or Dungeon World.  

If you are a former emo kid who somehow got into roleplaying games, you are still playing 4th edition and currently bitching about the impending 5th edition. 

If you are a registered sex offender, you are doing Pathfinder Society HARD. 

If you are a reformed World of Warcraft player, you are also doing Pathfinder Society (the sample may be skewed, however, as there is almost certainly some overlap with the above). 

If you are an anime geek, you are currently reading 2nd edition, but only because that edition has the best ratio of quality artwork to tits. You are otherwise getting ready to kill yourself (or at least I hope so).

If you are currently in the 5th grade, you are playing Dungeon World (wink wink, Mark Chance )

If you have an irrational hatred of President Obama, you are playing Dungeon World on May 31st and a series of tabletop war-games no one has ever heard of most other days. 

If you voted for Reagan in the 80’s, you are clearly a human monster and probably doing Pathfinder Society between rounds of beating your spouse.

If you think a game about the time when Christians were fed to the lions sounds like an awesome idea, you are me (#HailSatan).

If you are a woman under the age of 25, you are currently checking your phone for messages while you wait for your boyfriend to finish-up his Pathfinder session and wondering where your life went wrong. 

If you are a resident of Innsmouth, Massachusetts, Ia! Ia! Cthulhu ftagn!

If you are Gary Wilson,  you are currently being beaten over the head with a truncheon by Rob Ferguson  as he demands you say what your fucking character is doing already. 

Have you ever heard of this game called Nuclear War? 

If you just came to RPGs from the European board game scene, you are almost certainly bitching about the rules for the game we just played. 

If you are excited about 5th edition, you are not a part of this reality and I banish you back to the plane of existence from which you came, vile time-space wizard!

Once there was a Gauntlet….

and she loved a little boy.

And everyday the boy would come

and he would gather her leaves

and make them into crowns

and play king of the forest.

He would climb up her trunk

and swing from her branches

and eat apples.

And they would play hide-and-go-seek.

And when he was tired,

he would sleep in her shade.

And the boy loved the Gauntlet….

very much.

And the Gauntlet was happy.

But time went by.

And the boy grew older.

And the Gauntlet was often alone.

Then one day the boy came to the Gauntlet

and the Gauntlet said, “Come, Boy, come and

climb up my trunk and swing from my

branches and eat apples and play in my

shade and be happy.”

“I am too big to climb and play” said

the boy.

“I want to buy things and have fun.

I want some money.”

“I’m sorry,” said the Gauntlet, “but I

have no money.

I have only leaves and apples.

Take my apples, Boy, and sell them in

the city. Then you will have money and

you will be happy.”

And so the boy climbed up the

Gauntlet and gathered her apples

and carried them away.

And the Gauntlet was happy.

But the boy stayed away for a long time….

and the Gauntlet was sad.

And then one day the boy came back

and the Gauntlet shook with joy

and she said, “Come, Boy, climb up my trunk

and swing from my branches and be happy.”

“I am too busy to climb Gauntlets,” said the boy.

“I want a house to keep me warm,” he said.

“I want a wife and I want children,

and so I need a house.

Can you give me a house ?”

” I have no house,” said the Gauntlet.

“The forest is my house,

but you may cut off

my branches and build a

house. Then you will be happy.”

And so the boy cut off her branches

and carried them away

to build his house.

And the Gauntlet was happy.

But the boy stayed away for a long time.

And when he came back,

the Gauntlet was so happy

she could hardly speak.

“Come, Boy,” she whispered,

“come and play.”

“I am too old and sad to play,”

said the boy.

“I want a boat that will

take me far away from here.

Can you give me a boat?”

“Cut down my trunk

and make a boat,” said the Gauntlet.

“Then you can sail away…

and be happy.”

And so the boy cut down her trunk

and made a boat and sailed away.

And the Gauntlet was happy

… but not really.

And after a long time

the boy came back again.

“I am sorry, Boy,”

said the Gauntlet,” but I have nothing

left to give you –

My apples are gone.”

“My teeth are too weak

for apples,” said the boy.

“My branches are gone,”

said the Gauntlet. ” You

cannot swing on them – “

“I am too old to swing

on branches,” said the boy.

“My trunk is gone, ” said the Gauntlet.

“You cannot climb – “

“I am too tired to climb” said the boy.

“I am sorry,” sighed the Gauntlet.

“I wish that I could give you something….

but I have nothing left.

I am just an old stump.

I am sorry….”

“I don’t need very much now,” said the boy.

“just a quiet place to sit and rest.

I am very tired.”

“Well,” said the Gauntlet, straightening

herself up as much as she could,

“well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting

Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest.”

And the boy did.

And the Gauntlet was happy.

Come sit on our stumps at Story Game Sunday. We’re playing  Classroom Deathmatch, a game about teenagers who kill each other. 

I can’t figure out if this is real. It’s not funny enough to be satire, but it could be some sort of performance art?

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/thegameofpolitics/the-game-of-politics?play=video_pitch&ref=search